JOke Of The Day

To hot here in SA today to worry about the form or Punting so here is my JOke of the Day instead

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back.

There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered.

Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

I just flashed at 2 nuns...One had a stroke, the other one was too slow...

A man goes into his young son's bedroom to check he's alright. The lad is having a nightmare, so the man wakes him. The boy says he dreamt that Aunt Susie had died. The father assures the son that Aunt Susie is fine, and sends him back to bed. The next day, however, Aunt Susie dies.
A week later, the lad has another nightmare - this time that his granddad had died. The father assures his son that granddad is fine, and sends him to bed, but sure enough, the next day granddad keels over and dies.
One week later, it's nightmare time once more - and this time the boy says he dreamt his daddy had died. The father assures the son that he's okay and sends the boy to bed.
The next day, the father awakes, petrified. He's sure he's going to die.
After dressing, he drives cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he's scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone, for sure that he'll somehow be killed, jumping at every noise, starting at every movement and hiding under his desk.
Upon getting home at the end of the day, he has to unburden himself to his wife. "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" he exclaims.
"You think your day was bad?" his wife replies. "The milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

A husband and his wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken, but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carry her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps. The husband will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. The honey is duly smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do some damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.
The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"
To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little b@stard!"

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church in Belfast.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months. 'This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?''

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

Little Johnny gave his favorite teacher a cake this week....and the teacher said "why aren't there any of them lovely raisins you usually put in the cake johnny?....And johnny said...Sorry miss,the rabbit run away this week!! HA Ha HA!!!!

A travelling salesman calls into a farmhouse late one night after his car has broken down, and asks the farmer if he can stay for the night.
"It'd be a pleasure mate," says the farmer. "But you'll have to share a room with my beautiful, voluptuous young daughter Doreen. Now, if there's any hanky panky, you'll be in big trouble - is that clear?"
"Not a problem," assures the salesman. "I'm not that sort of bloke."
Of course, as fate would have it, the salesman cannot control himself, and he finishes up in bed with the daughter and they begin to make mad passionate love. The farmer hears the moaning and groaning and bursts into the bedroom, knocking the sales rep out cold.

On regaining consciousness, the rep finds himself in the barn still totally naked with his penis tightly wedged in a vice with the handle nowhere to be seen, and the farmer standing there calmly sharpening the biggest carving knife you've ever seen.
Panic stricken, the salesman says, "Crikey! You're not going to cut my dick off are you?"
The farmer hands him the knife.
"No son. You can do that - just as soon as I set fire to the barn."

A bloke running late to pick up some racehorses from Flemington is pulled over for speeding in Racecourse Road.

The policeman comes up to the window of his car and says, "Now tell me sir, what's your reason for doing 80km/h in a built up zone.
"Well, you see, officer, I've got a couple of horses in the float and I've gotta get them to the course in time for the next race," explains the hapless driver.
"I see," says the cop. "Then you won't mind if I take a look in the back then?"
A few moments later, a very angry cop is back at the window of the car and says, "I can't see any horses in that float."
The driver looks exasperated and replies, "Don't tell me they've given me the bloody scratchings again!"

It's the annual meeting of the supernatural society and the convenor asks if anybody present has ever seen a ghost. Out of the 35 members, 20 hands go up. "That's great. Now, how many members have actually touched a ghost?"
15 hands go up.
"Hmmm, that's pretty impressive. Now, how many here have spoken to a ghost?"
Another 20 hands.
"OK, here's the big question. How many here have had sex with a ghost?"
One little weasly bloke at the back of the room sticks his hand up.
"You've actually had sex with ghost?" asks the convenor incredulously.
"Oh, a ghost?!" says the weasly guy. "I'm sorry, I thought you said a goat!"

A Jewish kid asks his father for $50.

"Forty dollars! What do you need with thirty dollars?" replies the father.

A young couple on their wedding night are getting undressed. He throws his trousers at her and says, "Here, put these on."
"What for?" asks the bride.
"Never mind," says the husband, "just put them on."
She puts them on and even after fastening the belt to the last notch, they keep falling down around her ankles. 'I can't wear these," she says.
"That's right," our little chauvinist friend says, "that's just to remind you who wears the pants in this marriage."
With that, the bride takes her off her panties and tosses them over to the husband. "Here, you put these on then," she says.
"But why?" he protests.
"You made me do it and it's only fair that I have equal rights - put them on," she orders.

Reluctantly, and with great difficulty, the husband attempts to put on the panties, but they're much too small. In fact, he can't even get them up past his thighs. "I can't get into these," he says.
"That's right," she says, "and you're not going to until you change your attitude, honey."

AND NOW FOR BREAKING NEWS:

Thieves have just hijacked a truck containg 2000kg's of hair to be used in the manufacture of wigs. Police are combing the area.....

A giant hole has appeared in the middle of High Street. Authorities are looking into it.

All the toilets have been stolen from police headquarters. At this stage detectives have nothing to go on.

And in more breaking news, scientists have confirmed that Phar Lap did not die from poisoning as earlier suspected. Tests have concluded that the great horse actually died from splinter wounds to his arse, attributed largely to his close association with his young strapper, Tommy Woodcock.

A man has a ticket for the Rugby World Cup final but is seated in the upper, nosebleed seats.
As the match begins, he notices an empty seat down near the pitch on the midfield line. Taking a chance, he makes his way down and asks the man next to it if anyone is sitting there.
No," says the seated man, "that seat is empty."
This is incredible," says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby World Cup final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The seated man says: "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Rugby World Cup final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

With all eyes on the Rugby World Cup at the moment........
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a
>> lady recognizes him as a real Rugby
>> player. They start to talk and eventually
>> go back to his place.
>>
>> They start to kiss, and the man takes off
>> his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
>>
>> "What's that for?" the lady questions.
>>
>> "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
>> people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
>>
>> Then the man takes off his trousers, and on
>
>> his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
>>
>> 'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
>>
>> "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
>> when this tattoo is seen on TV."
>>
>> Then the man drops his underwear and on his
>
>> penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
>>
>> The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have
>> AIDS!"
>>
>> The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm
>> down...!!!
>>
>>
>> It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Where did the Army General keep his armies?

Up his Sleevies?

Whats brown and sticky?
A Stick!!!!

Whats blue and looks like a bucket?
A Blue Bucket

Whats red and looks like a bucket

no not a red bucket

A blue bucket in disguise.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a strawberry?

THATS BECAUSE ITS HIDING

@BLNT - Lame but funny ;)

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.... I'm a rabbit in Mildura."

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"